i try to do these long write ups to mark the milestones of my journey. i dunno, i’ve been out for about a year and a couple weeks. i guess that qualifies. woot!

going back…

originally, my morals blocked me from even thinking about the concept of being trans. i still talk to a lot of people who are stuck on that first step when it comes to me… but i’ve moved on from that. quite a bit. the morality of my decision is not even a concept in my head anymore. i’ve long accepted that what i’m doing is fine.

since that realization, i’ve been able to discover so much about the kind of woman i am… questioning less what it looks like to be or act feminine, for me. accepting i’ve always been a woman. seeing my past self as a cute little girl. accepting that the labels society gives us truly don’t matter. seeing the system for what it is. setting boundaries. discovering how powerful my body and sexuality are. feeling more cozy in myself. loving myself even when i don’t match up to my expectations, and celebrating in the joys when my body and mind feel aligned.

that last one has gotten a lot more frequent.

there are still days and moments filled with dysphoria. but usually (and definitely not always), even in that terrible mind’s eye of mine, i’m a girl. and that the dysphoria i’m feeling is maybe more in line with what it feels like to be dealing with “normal” “girl troubles.” it’s affirming in a weird way.

having Moriah around has really helped a lot… she’s been a huge support and an amazing spouse. and as she’s someone who has pcos, her and i actually have more in common in our womanhood than not. we both do electrolysis. we both shave. we both don’t always get our periods. we’re on some of the same testosterone reducers. it’s… cool.

cool that we can relate. but also cool that she has shown me that aspects of me that i would consider “clocks” or masc are… also incredibly feminine. inherent to womanhood. and the worries around that are also incredibly feminine.

my only regret in transition is not doing this sooner. i hear about de-transitioners. i’m glad they were able to figure out who they are. hear ME, too: i am so damn happy. i feel like my life has finally begun.

…and… i also feel deep fear. i am part of a group that is currently being attacked in the USA. and… that sucks. what sucks just as much is that i feel like i need to rush my transition, maybe even leading to some poor decisions, all because ANY opportunity to transition might get taken away soon.

i’ve gotta get all the surgeries i can. make sure i’m taking all my meds and figuring what else i should be on. taking measures to ensure the changes i see are “locked in” even if treatment dries up. “they can take things away but at least they can’t take implants out of me…”

it’s sad. i feel like the purpose of my transition was to no longer live in fear, and live authentically. i am now no longer afraid of me, but i’m living in another fear. someone else is yet again trying to control who i am. like, this is a journey of self discovery. of joy and sorrow. of seeing and rejoicing in the way my body is shaped more like me, day by day. it’s to be cherished and savored. and i feel like the ability to experience that is being stripped away from me.

it’s hard to live in these dualities: the unadulterated joy i feel in finally becoming me. and the profound fear i feel that all of that could be disallowed and forcefully taken from me. for my own “good” or “safety” at that…

i get it now: death before detransition. because i’d rather die as myself than wither away as someone else.